Day 190: Goodbye, Rockabye

It's been a long time since I got to sleep with Gia in my arms. You'd think holding a baby while you sleep would feel like a burden, like something difficult to pull off that infringes on your own sleep. It wasn't like that, though. I probably spent a good month holding Gia through the night when she was a newborn. After that...though she slept, swaddled, in her co-sleeper...I always held her while she slept during the day. She would often wake up after being set down, so we always just held her; she'd fall asleep on my belly while eating and I'd hold her there for the next three hours, propped up on her Boppy pillow. Yes, my butt got really numb, but she was pretty precious.

At night, when Gia had outgrown her Boppy and I'd become tired, I'd wedge myself into the corner of the sectional, where I could sit up with my knees bent and arms propped on top of them to hold her, and I'd lay my head against the cushion so I could drift off with her in my arms as she ate and fell asleep, herself. I usually didn't have to hold her through the night anymore, but sometimes she just wouldn't stay asleep once I set her in the co-sleeper, so I'd let her lie across my belly, her little head snuggled into the crook of my arm, while we both slept until morning.

That was only a month ago. Gia used to always fall asleep while she was eating. It was something that became very relaxing. When she'd get hungry, I'd pick her up, cradle her on my lap, and close my eyes, resting, while she drank her milk and went to sleep. I'd wrap her favorite blanket around her, creating a soft hood around her face, and we'd just snuggle until she woke up or I was ready to put her in her swing. When we first got the swing, I very often transferred her to it once she was asleep; she easily stayed asleep as I lay her in it and then I was free to get anything done around the house. She's asleep in it right now! After a time, though, I missed holding her.

Gia was almost one hundred percent in someone's arms (usually mine, as I was on maternity leave) for the first few months of her life. As she got older and was able to spend more time playing in her activity gym, she was held far less. She slept less and played more, so her time in my arms was greatly reduced. Really, I only held her for extended periods of time if she were eating. So, I missed her and started holding her through most of her naps, again, instead of putting her in the swing.

Not even a month old.

But that didn't last long. Nowadays, Gia can't be held in her sleep because it's not comfortable for her. If she does fall asleep in my arms, it's only if she's breastfeeding, which is incredibly seldom because she prefers drinking from the bottle. Falling asleep while doing so is even more seldom because it has to be early morning when she's still tired enough to fall right back asleep. Otherwise, she squirms all about, trying to grab anything she can with her hand, essentially trying to play while she eats; she'll get mad, too, because the flow isn't fast enough for her. So, breastfeeding is rare enough, let alone falling asleep while doing so. If she does, though...I need to set her down fairly soon or she'll try to turn and will wake up. Basically, I don't get to hold Gia in her sleep anymore and, certainly, don't get to sleep with her in my arms.

One day, though, a few weeks ago, we had a wonderful, rare moment when, in the middle of the day, Gia was actually able to breastfeed pleasantly and fall asleep in my arms. I held her, rocking in the glider, for as long as I could allow myself and when I stood up to walk to the swing, I glanced out the window and saw that it was snowing. This winter has had next to no snowfall, but at that moment, the street looked like a snow globe. So, I just stood there, rocking my baby in my arms, watching out the window as perfect, tiny snowflakes flurried about, like we were in our own personal globe.

A moment like that hasn't happened since, until early this morning. No romantic snow fell scene, but when Gia awoke hungry early enough for it to be dark, but late enough that I could feed her without ruining her sleep schedule, I was able to pick her up and breastfeed her. She was so sleepy, she just lay there, quietly eating, until she fell asleep--when she does that, she always looks like a newborn again. I wrapped her in the blanket and took the risk of holding her as I lay back and closed my eyes. And for almost an hour I held her like that, as I drifted in and out of sleep, until I decided it was time to lay her in her crib until she was ready to get up. It was truly wonderful.

The whole time, we listened to her lullabies, which I've easily come to love. Billy and I have a Pandora playlist (called "Children's Lullabies Theme") that we put on when she's ready to nap or go to bed and it has some really great music in it. Some is the type of children's lullabies you'd come to expect, but much of it is soft, sweet music by the likes of Jewel, Norah Jones, Jack Johnson, Adele, Israel Kamakawiwo'ole, Louis Armstrong, and K.D. Lang (whose rendition of "Hallelujah" has become my favorite).

Back to this morning, though...As I said earlier, Gia is only pleasant while breastfeeding if she's just come out of sleep and can easily fall back asleep! And, of course, later in the morning when she'd woken up again, Gia was hungry and I tried to feed her...at which point she grabbed my necklace, yanking it all about (she loves to do this), and when I moved it out of reach, she started banging her hand on my arm and turning her head to look around the room. So, instead, we got up and I let her play while I pumped a bottle to give her. Much easier ;)

New Year's Eve 2011. Literally my last memory of holding Gia while she slept. 
I always wanted to get a picture of me holding her in bed, 
so I could always remember it, but like many things, I just never took the time.