Day 189: The Breastmilk vs. Formula Dilemma

I’ve been up since about 5:30 this morning—not because I couldn’t sleep or because Gianna wouldn’t, but because I had to pump. Nice time to be up on a Saturday, right?

Gianna’s doctor said to breastfeed for as long as it works for both Gianna and myself…Considering how early I'm up, just for that, I suppose you could claim it doesn’t seem to be working for me anymore. On work days, I pump first thing after my shower—so, I sit here in the living room for half an hour to forty minutes (depending on how quickly I can get downstairs) hopefully pumping until there’s nothing left. That’s about 5:30 in the morning. At work, I take a ten-minute break at nine where I can get maybe two ounces, total, since I’m restrained to only ten minutes. I repeat for my lunch break where I get maybe fifteen minutes of pump time, but often only ten (because I only have half an hour to rush home, let the dog out, use the bathroom, and pump—note: I don't eat lunch on my lunch break!). Then, I repeat, once more at work, for my second ten-minute break around 2:30. So, for three sessions in the span of ten hours, that’s what...about six ounces of milk? Gianna has an appetite for twenty four in that amount of time. Technically, I should be pumping until I’m dry each time, but that would require half an hour of my time and I’m pretty certain the people at my office might have a problem with my taking a half hour break multiple times a day. So, I settle for six ounces, and, really, no breaks.

When I get home, it’s a brand new story. I get off work at five, so I immediately pump upon arriving home and continue until there’s nothing left—that’ll bring us to some time between 5:30 and 6:00. Between 6:00 and 6:30, it becomes quiet time for Gia, which means the lights get turned down and everything that makes noise stops except for her lullabies. We feed her two or more bottles, until she’s full, and hopefully get her to sleep in under two hours. If we started any later, she surely wouldn’t be asleep until after ten. So, I often spend 6:00 to maybe 8:30 or later helping Gianna get to sleep. 

When is dinner, you wonder? I wonder too. Sometimes I’m able to eat during the sleep routine, sometimes after, sometimes not at all. Sometimes, I’m just too tired once it’s all over and want to go straight to bed. I get up at 5 am for work, so 8:30 is really, actually, my own bedtime. I simply don’t usually end up asleep at that time because I’m a) getting the baby to sleep, b) later, eating dinner, c) later, getting my food ready for the next day at work, and d) pumping, yet again. See, I need to pump before I go to bed, myself, because there’s a bottle or more of milk that I’m not about to waste. The less milk I remove, the less milk my body makes. So whether I pump, hand express, or breastfeed, I need to do it as often as possible and for as long as possible or I’ll just dry up. And that’s what’s been the problem.

Since I can pump so little at work, I’ve lost a lot of milk. Before my ten-hour days, it wasn’t quite as bad because I was able to pump every two hours like clockwork and, getting out at 3:30, I immediately breastfed Gianna. Now, I have three hours between pumping sessions at work. When I started, my production quickly decreased, not simply because of work, but because Gia was starting to have trouble breastfeeding (I think from preference to the faster flow of the bottle nipple), so milk got wasted spending so much time trying to get her to eat, and I was too busy on days off to pump. All of this meant that my body thought less milk was needed. Add to that…stress. Stress simply because of a lower milk supply. What does stress lead to? Decreased milk production…leading to more stress! It’s a vicious, unfair cycle. I spent all of last Saturday trying to relieve stress and increase oxytocin levels by having a Meg Ryan romantic comedy marathon; it didn’t work. I even lied for an hour in the bathtub singing along to some 90’s R&B to cut loose some stress. It helped the stress a little, but I wasn’t getting the warm fuzzies from the movies like I usually do (probably because of the stress!) and it simply came back the next day because I literally could only produce about two ounces for the entire day. Panic, panic, panic.

Then I found fenugreek. Fenugreek is a galactagogue. “A galacta what?” Haha…it supports milk production. And boy does it! I’m only back to my normal production, as opposed to overproduction like I’d prefer, but that’s a lot compared to the nearly nothing I was down to. It’s Saturday morning and I already have almost twenty four ounces of milk in the freezer for Monday! That means I, technically, only need to pump one more jar for the ideal supply. Easy! Of course, we’ve been supplementing with formula so that I can build up that supply, but that’s beside the point. It’s helped to bring back my supply and, thus, to relieve some stress. But this isn't the dilemma.

The dilemma is: Should I stop trying to breastfeed because it’s “not working” for me anymore? I don’t get any real breaks during my ten-hour workday. I have to wake up earlier in the morning than usual on weekends in order to stay with my pumping routine. I have to go to bed later than I should in order to stay with my pumping routine. I have to take an herbal supplement to keep my supply up (for now, at least). I have to eat unbelievable amounts of food to have any energy because the calories burned for milk production just kick my butt, not to mention the lack of sleep. I can barely even actually breastfeed my baby because the flow isn’t fast enough for her preference, so I’m reduced to, really, only pumping. I don’t even get that nice, relaxing, snuggly time with my baby while she eats and falls asleep like she used to. Instead, I sit here either holding up two electric pumps or staring into a jar while I work it manually (because, honestly, the pump just can’t get it all) for half an hour or more—really relaxing, right? So, honestly, it’s not a stretch to say that breastfeeding is no longer working…for me.

So, formula, right? We’ve been supplementing to help me out. Also, it mixes with Gianna’s rice cereal a lot better (breastmilk is so much thinner, you need at least twice as much cereal in order for it not to be pure liquid). But you know what? It smells disgusting. I don’t know if it’s because we’re using soy formula (babies under one year aren’t supposed to have dairy, but we don’t drink dairy anyway—we drink soy), but it’s really unappealing. Gianna had the sweetest breath until formula.

Also, the ingredients are not what I’d call ideal. There’s sugar and corn syrup in it! Corn syrup! I had no plans to feed my six-month-old corn syrup. I have no plans to feed my one-year-old (when she gets there) corn syrup. I’m very serious about Gianna maintaining a healthy diet—about her thinking fruit is a sweet snack and having no idea who Little Debbie is or how good her snack cakes taste. I even want her to eat organic produce and meats. So, corn syrup for my six-month-old was not and is not in the plan.

Also, as we speak, I’m on my third cold in three months. A new cold every month! You could say my current cold isn’t even a new one—I’ve been hacking up mucous ever since my last one started four weeks ago and my throat has persistently been a little irritated. Has Gianna been sick, though? No. Absolutely no form of illness in any way, whatsoever, since birth. Outside of some crabbiness and fever brought on by vaccine shots, she’s been as healthy as healthy can be. Sleeping next to me, drinking straight from my illness-riddled body, she hasn’t gotten so much as a cough. I absolutely believe we have breast milk to thank. And do you know what the bottle of formula says? Literally, no lie, the bottle of formula states “Breastfeeding is recommended.” Who can argue with that?

Breast milk is simply better. I want the best for my baby—only the best. As long as I can give that, why would I go any other route? Even if I can only give her two bottles of breast milk a day, that’s what I’m going to do. I’m okay with a little formula here and there—the corn syrup really kills me and I'm hoping, perhaps, the powder doesn't contain that (though, I'm probably wrong), but I'm willing to set that issue aside for my own sanity—but nothing beats sweet, antibody-filled milk straight from the source that was meant to give it.

Am I starving? You bet. Am I tired? Beyond. Is the stress from that worth giving my baby the best nutrition? Definitely. Plus, with increased calorie intake and not an inch of physical work, I weigh twelve pounds less than I did before becoming pregnant. What was meant to be, was meant to be!

Breast milk. It does a body good. (I have wished, for so long, that breastfeeding activists would team up with the "Got Milk?" people to make ads featuring little babies with breast milk mustaches!)

Disclaimer: I feel strongly about the breast milk vs. formula dilemma. There's a real discussion inside that I haven't put forth in this entry, which is more about my struggle to continue breastfeeding rather than society's struggle with the promotion of it. And, while I feel breast milk is best, I, in no way, look down upon those who cannot breastfeed, whatever the reason, or who choose not to. I truly hope my statements don't offend as that is never my intention. And to those who have felt my struggle, you're not alone!